mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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