never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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