Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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