my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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