you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what day is it and did you see me today?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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