ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
