normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
