apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
