He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Randomize