how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
