I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize