yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
