My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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