im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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