I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
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You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
