i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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