Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
