I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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