theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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