I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
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