This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
