he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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