So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
