I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize