I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
