also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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