you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
