chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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