I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
