Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
