Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
