remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize