Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
