you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize