someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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