I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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