1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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