I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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