just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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