So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
