Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
