My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
