does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
