I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
