i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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