I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
