If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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