tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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