i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
