please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
