Screwed.edu
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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