How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
