So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
