Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
