I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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